Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I Cry

It catches up to me at night. I'm tired and worn out from the day. I'm laying still in bed. My mind is idle. That's when it catches me. Thoughts flood in, my heart aches, and tears flow freely.

I cry because I'm sorry for how he suffered. Pain, loneliness, fear, denial, worry.

I cry because I have so many regrets. This one hurts the most. I regret I didn't go to the hospital to visit more, that I didn't hug him more, that I didn't say "I love you" more, that I didn't sit and just BE with him more.

I cry because I'm mad! I want to scream, and grit my teeth, and punch something. I'm mad at Dr. H and scenes of the court hearing play through my head. Listening to this cold man convincing the judge he was a lost cause, at the same time watching Clark get sicker and sicker out of the corner of my eye, until he had to leave the room. I'm mad that Clark never got a chance to have the BMT. I'm mad that the system is so messed up to allow this.

I cry because I'm grateful. Grateful that he's not suffering. Grateful that he has touched so many people and changed their lives for the better. Grateful for his example to me of bravery, patience, faith, graciousness, and acceptance. I'm forever grateful for the donor of Clark's liver and his family, and for the precious year we had because of their priceless gift.

I cry for the past. Our childhood. Our fun times. This past year. I cry for the what if's and what might have been's. I cry because I know it was his time to go. We all exercised enough faith to keep him here, but it was not Heavenly Father's will, and nothing can change that.

I cry for the present. For the pain we all feel at his loss. For the pain so many others feel at the loss of their loved ones. For how near he still is, for now. He was here just two months ago. But soon that will change to half a year, then two years, then a decade. I hate that I'm getting used to my new normal.

I cry for the future. For the anniversary of that decade. I cry because my children will not know him. I cry for the children he never had, yet am grateful that none were left behind. I cry because no matter how hard I try, the memories will fade and blur. I cry because our future is without him here.

. . .
Tonight I cry because
I just. plain. miss him!

I miss his smile and laugh. I miss the smells and sounds in my house. I miss the car rides and meal times. I miss him from childhood. I miss his everything.

And then . . .
I can't cry anymore tonight. My checks dry. Each blink a little longer. I fall asleep in the wet of my pillow.


Stephen said...

I cry because I know how you feel.

Anonymous said...

I cry because my heart aches for you and your family.

Kate Larson said...

Everyone of your posts brings tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing. So many things and memories that remind me of Clark every day. Never holding back Clark tears!!!

Anonymous said...

Heartbreaking- I miss him too and I never got the chance to meet him.

Anonymous said...

Dear Kristen,
I wish I could find some way to make it easier, Since you were a caregiver to him, you will feel the loss more intensely. During the time of his illness, you had no real time to deal completely with what was happening at that time. You were juggling your family and taking care of him, and keeping everyone's spirits up. You were amazing, and you will someday know you can survive anything, if you made it through this.

Don't deny yourself your feelings, they are all justified, good or bad. I promise you someday, you will laugh at something really small and probably insignificant. At that moment you will catch yourself being happy , almost like it's a new feeling, and that is when you know you have made it through the fog, and each day will get a little easier. Happy memories will outweigh the horrible times, and the joy of Clark's life will shine through.

I love your writings. I too tend to write prose or poetry when things bother me, It helps pull the thoughts out of your mind, and keeps them from rattling over and over in your head. It seems to free me a little from their burden.

A great big hug.. and lots of love, Auntie Annie (OP KS)

Ligia said...

Oh Kristin, your thoughts are so heartfelt. I am so impressed with how you've dealt with everything. I don't know if I could ever face that kind of loss with the courage that you have. We are coming back to Pleasant Grove so we'll be nearby. We need to get our kids together to play more often. Your family are all such beautiful people and I love them. I send hugs your way.

Susie Stroup said...

There is a country song by VanZant that has lyrics that say: "And if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans".. I think that is so true.. Our plans for Clark would have been for him to get married, be a daddy, grow old & bounce grandkids on his knee.. but God has his own plan for each of us. Hard to understand-- IMPOSSIBLE to understand... And you could drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of it. Thank you for sharing your grief.. it is so relatable for so many of us. I will be praying for you! ~ Susie

Anonymous said...

I miss him too. I think he has had more tears shed for him in the past 2 months than in his whole life time. Crying is good.. because you are remembering everything about him.. good and bad. And as long as you still feel him.. he will always be here. We love you and miss you Clark!